if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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