he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
