Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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