You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
