God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
