It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
