The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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