3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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