put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize