Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
