I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
