I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
