I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
