I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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