Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is Oprah even human
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
