Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
