You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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