First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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