Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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