omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize