its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
