like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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