Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
now i know why i became what i already was.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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