Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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