She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize