4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
