i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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