shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
