I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
