u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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