I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize