if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
