she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
