I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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