Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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