we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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