dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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