my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
