There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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