it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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