After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
