I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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