I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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