all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
time to smoke my breakfast
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Randomize