Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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