At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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