oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
