Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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