That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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