i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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