Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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