when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
