Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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