Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
