not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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