Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
