either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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