I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize