I'm passing your future prison.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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